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Parenting An Athlete Newsletter
January 15, 2007
Tom Burgdorf

Our Goal - A great situation for the athletes, the coaches and the parents.

Past issues of the newsletter are now available on our web site at www.gymnetsports.com.

Let's get to work.

Pain & Toughness

Tough for the athlete. Tough for the coaches. Tough for the parents. Pain is usually part of sports. Pushing the body a little bit sometimes creates pain. We can't avoid pain in our lives. Pain isn't something horrible that we need to try to shield our kids from. It is part of life.

The question is whether the pain is from soreness or from injury. Sometimes this is easy, broken arm, or difficult, slight sprain. We don't practice 100% with a broken arm but with a slight sprain we adjust but we still try to get a lot done. With the sprains come a desire to keep going which is a "toughness." I think we want our athletes to be tough. Being a tough athlete probably means that we are going to be tough in other aspects of our life.

Being tough to me means working when things aren't quite perfect. Adjusting but still getting the job done. Not always needing everything to line up to keep a good attitude and get the job done.

When children are shielded from situations where things aren't perfect they don't get the experience of "making do with what you have" and making good things happen. We should want kids to learn to be creative, not just in drawing a picture, but in taking what life gives them and being creative in finding a solution for success.

So pain in life? Could it be good?

Give Some Credit

We over coach. We over teach. We over parent. Shame on all of us.

I have this crazy idea that kids can do lots more than we expect. A child 8 years old left alone in a house for a full day (this is just a scenario not something I want anyone to do) will go put a sweater on if they are cold. Will open the refrigerator and find something to eat when they get hungry. Will entertain themselves. Will be careful. Will stay safe. And will make the right decisions to survive the day. And if they want to go outside and play and it is 30 degrees, I bet they will go put on a coat.

Will they use a napkin when they eat? Maybe, maybe not. Will they put their shoes on the sofa when they are watching TV? Maybe, maybe not. They may not make ALL of the right decisions when they are by themselves but I bet they make most of the right decisions. And they will survive.

Kids are resilient. They are creative. They are innovative. As long as they aren't over coached, over managed.

Over parented.

They deserve some credit.

Sports Builds Awareness

Sports help show the kids what life is about.

That life isn't fair all of the time so be ready for it.
That adults make mistakes sometimes so be ready for it.
That every performance on the field or in the gym may not be what you planned so be ready for it.
That working hard means improvement over time so be ready for it.
That being lazy doesn't get you where you want to be.
That teammates expect certain things from you so be ready for it.
That you expect certain things from your teammates so be ready for it.

Sports plus a great school for academic learning along with great parenting = a more mature young adult ready to challenge life on their own.

Thanks for putting piece 1 in your child's life. How is piece 2 and piece 3?

Surprise!

Getting a game winning hit in the last inning should be a SURPRISE rather than an expected happening. Having an 8 year old gymnast do a 1 minute beam routine without a wobble or a fall should be a SURPRISE rather than an expected happening.

In baseball, a .300 hitter doesn't get a hit 7 out of 10 times. A .300 hitter is considered a very good hitter. So we have to have realistic expectations for our athletes.

What The Kids Learn When:

When they are hurt and their team competes without them - that the team goes on. That they miss being a part of the group. That they love this sport more than they thought.

Mom says no - that they don't get everything they want.

They misbehave and their video games are taken away for a day - that good behavior "gets" and bad behavior hurts.

The rules in the house are enforced - that when rules are made, they will be enforced. That rules are not negotiable. especially when you are a kid. The child also learns what is right and what is not acceptable.

We don't enforce the rules - that rules don't mean anything.

I'm So Tough On My Kids

Spent some time with my son this weekend. He has a 7 year old and a 5 year old. We were talking about parenting. He commented that he is tough on his kids. I mentioned that tough isn't a negative word in parenting. I also mentioned that he is consistent and enforces the rules that he has set for the development of his children. Is that tough? Certainly not a "negative" tough.

I wish parents around the country would take on more of a "we are doing our kids a favor" by being consistent, disciplined and for the most part "non bending." Instead I see a lot of parents who believe that it is better to give the kids a lot of what they want, let them whine to get what they want, let the kids have 3 and 4 chances and give and give and give. I don't think this is getting these kids ready for the real world when they go out on their own.

So tough should be what is normal. For the benefit of our kids.

Weekly Words To The Kids

This is going to be an area that is included in most newsletters. These are my words to your kids. Share them with them if you want. Tell them "Tom" said this or that. Use me to your advantage. (I don't mind being the bad guy sometimes)

Hey kids - think about this: "Your parents have feelings. When you aren't very nice to them they are hurt. They don't like to discipline you but you make us sometimes have to do it. Your parents love you but we won't allow you to make the wrong choices."

Coach - Athlete Relationship

Both using each other to work through situations, be challenged and achieve. A special relationship of highs and lows. Usually a lasting relationship. Not perfect. Who wants, or expects perfect?

Both the athlete and the coach are individuals. They often have the same goals. They sometimes do not. They often think alike. They sometimes do not. They often think they know what is best. And one gets to be the boss.

The team belongs to the coach. In most sports cases, the coach is the boss of the team and gets to make the rules, set the challenges and competitions and the incentives the punishments. In most cases we join the team by invitation. We are invited to the "party" being run by the coach. In a lot of the cases, the team will go on long after each one of the current athletes is gone. We are a guest on the team.

The vast majority of the coaches I deal with want everyone to enjoy their experience on their team. They don't purposely make problems for people. Do they make all decisions based on making everyone happy? Good luck. We all know when you put 15 or 20 athletes on a team with 25 - 40 team parents, sure, everyone will be happy all of the time. But we try.

We put a product out there called team and we invite you to be a part of the wonderful experiences we create. Clear sledding all of the time? Of course not. But we all have to believe in the process that we have set up and the goals we feel are important. EVERYONE needs to buy into the process and the goals of the team that they are on. All of the coaches, all of the athletes and all of the parents.

Look at all of the overall positives of being on the team that you are on. Don't let a couple of minor issues mess things up. I say that to the coaches too. The athletes aren't going to be perfect all of the time, so don't let a couple of small problems mess things up with your athletes. Not all of the parents are perfect either. We are a team of three, the coaches, the athletes and the parents. We work together. We overcome the bumps. Why? Because we believe in each other and in the journey.

Non Stars

Not everyone will be Michael Jordan. Not everyone can be Tiger. So we all quit? So we all not try to have as much fun and make as much progress as we can? At school there is the class "brain."

99.9% of us won't be the best at most points of our lives. But there is so much to learn, experience and have fun with. Your son or daughter may not be the best on the team. So go find a bad team so that they will be the best. No, that isn't a good plan. Although, I have seen in my career, parents who have taken their gymnast to a poor program so she could be the best. She got poor training there, she regressed, but she was the best in the gym. Not a good plan.

The point is that we should teach our children, and our athletes, that improving is what it is all about regardless of your current status. As long as we are progressing, we are doing good. That is why one of the most important awards we give out is the "Most Improved Athlete of the Year" on a team. It could be the worst player at the start of the year who works hard and becomes a "middle of the team" talent. So the most improved player increased his batting average 100 points while the star of the team improved 20 points. I like the most improved.

Teach your child about improving, not always comparing to others.

Your Areas Of Interest

I would like to open this up to all of the parents and coaches who receive this newsletter - send me some areas that you would like to see written about in this 'Parenting An Athlete" newsletter. Any situations come up recently that you would like me to write about? I will take a suggestion or two each week and address those situations. Send them to this e-mail and I will consider them.

No, I Don't Contradict Myself

Sometimes I say "expect a lot out of your kids" and sometimes I say "be reasonable." That is not a contradiction. I believe that we need to expect as much as we can, that is attainable, for each of our kids. If you expect the Olympics for each of your 4 children, that isn't reasonable. One may make it, probably not, and the other 3 don't have any shot at all because of their potential talents. Not everyone can be a concert pianist.

So our challenge is to challenge our children and our athletes with goals that are within reach. I coached some athletes who did not have the talent to win the State Championship. My goal for some of them was to "just make State." Did I have low goals for these athletes? No, in fact, making State was a huge challenge for their body type, commitment, dedication and work ethic. I like reaching for the outer limits of what is possible for the athletes. But not in coaching them to believe in unreasonable goals.

Yes they can change with age and a great coach changes as the athlete changes. So do the parents. Your athlete at age 12 is different than when they were 7. They change, we change.

So when you hear me say work hard, gain everything you can gain, the gain for athlete "A" could be far different than what I expect from athlete "B." But I definitely want each athlete to gain.

Being reasonable. Using common sense.

What The Kids Learn When:

They are the star of the game and the team loses - that individual accomplishments are important but they aren't complete without the success of the team.

They mess up a competition and the team wins - that success comes sometimes from your teammates.

Mom is disappointed in our effort - that Moms can be disappointed. That it hurts a little when Mom is disappointed. That I don't like this feeling. That I don't want this feeling any more. That I will make sure that Mom doesn't feel that way any more.

Weekly Words To The Kids

This is going to be an area that is included in most newsletters. These are my words to your kids. Share them with them if you want. Tell them "Tom" said this or that. Use me to your advantage. (I don't mind being the bad guy sometimes)

Hey kids - think about this â€“ "Your coaches get excited when you LOOK excited when you come to practice. Your coaches get more excited when you act excited about learning. Your coaches are happy when you listen and follow directions. Your coaches will faint when they see you do 8 when they told you to do 5."

20 On Team

We want to hear from you. But please understand that if every team parent talked to us for 5 minutes after every practice, we would never get home to see our kids. This is a touchy subject as we want a "together" team, but come to us with important issues and please respect the fact that we have lots of kids on the team.